


If You Throw a Prince a Party

by maria_j_harper



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Drama, Humanstuck, M/M, Swearing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-08-05
Updated: 2014-08-05
Packaged: 2018-02-11 20:58:48
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,598
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2082999
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/maria_j_harper/pseuds/maria_j_harper
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>One year, after summer break, Eridan comes back to high school hot and starts running with the cool kids. As luck would have it, he still can't get the cranky mathlete he's got a crush on to notice him.</p>
            </blockquote>





	If You Throw a Prince a Party

You walk into the cafeteria with a confidant stride. This is it, this is the moment where you get the appreciation you've always deserved. You'd heard the whispers even before first period started, seen the covert glances of boy and girl alike as they wondered who this handsome strapping young man was and what he had done with the scrawny, gangly Eridan Ampora they all knew. This is when you truly claim your victory though. You sit down at the popular kid's table, and everyone who matters is watching. A few of the outcast tables ignore you, not seeming to care, but who cares what they think?  
Nobody questions your presence there. You smile at your one-time best friend. "Hey Fef."  
"Hi Erifish! Look who finally grew into his swim trunks! Looking good!" she exclaims, like you never stopped being friends. Well if she wants to pretend that she didn't drop you like slimy kelp the minute she hit puberty and came out on top, that was fine, because now you had too. You are once again worthy of her friendship and respect, and it feels good.  
"Yeah, wwhat can I say? Wwhen late bloomers bloom, they blossom, right Fef?"  
"Obviously!"  
Your smile broadens. Through lunch, you talk comfortably with the popular group. Feferi acts as translator between you, filling you in about the latest gossip, and filling them in on your inside jokes. You nibble on your home made tuna-fish sandwich, and bask in this glorious feeling.  
Last year you were a scrawny kid with a bad stammer, who was too enthusiastic about history and wrote weird poems about genocide in English class. Now you're the MVP on the Alternia High swim team and an honors history student, an almost charming hesitation on your V's and W's is all that remains of your speech impediment, and one of your poems is published in a science fiction magazine in the dystopia section. Things are looking up for Eridan Ampora, finally.  
They would look even better if a certain mathlete computer dweeb who you may have spent most of last year trying to get to notice you would look up here and see what he missed. When you cast a surreptitious glance to his table of outcasts though, he barely seems to know that the popular table exists, much less you.  
What the fuck is wrong with him, is he blind?  
Or maybe, as he would say, he "jutht hath more important thingth to worry about than the athinine high thchool pecking order."  
Yeah, it had been pretty stupid of you to expect him to notice you just because you sit with the popular kids now. You're a fucking idiot.

Things look back up when you find that you both have physics class together. You waste no time in "reluctantly" finding a seat next to his.  
"Hey Sol." That's it, keep it casual. You're better than him now, right? You're popular, he should worship the ground you walk on. No need to be nervous.  
"Hey ED. Why the fuck are you in the same physics class as me?" Funny, his lisp isn't as bad as you remember it. It's still there, but maybe he had speech therapy over the summer too. Right, more like dental therapy. You know it's his teeth that give him that lisp. What would the logistics be for kissing someone with teeth like that? How would that work? Stop it Eridan, you're getting sidetracked. He asked you a question.  
"I dunno. You're a fucking computer wwizard, I'm a history buff, maybe physics is just the subject we both suck at equally."  
You quiet down as your physics teacher swans in and announces that he will not be assigning seats, unless the class makes him.  
"Wait, does this mean we're stuck with whoever's next to us as a lab partner for the rest of the year?" Sollux asks. Jeez, does he have to sound so unhappy about it?  
"Unless you find someone who wants to change seats with you, yeah, pretty much." The teacher nods.  
"Does anyone want to switch with me?" Sollux asks the room at large. A couple of girls raise their hands. You know what you have to do.  
"Hey, sit me next to one of _those_ babes instead of you any day, Sollux," you say, cupping your hand to your mouth as though sharing this sentiment with just him instead of the whole room, though you're sure everyone can hear you.  
Sollux scowls. "Never mind, I'll stay where I am for now."  
"Okay then, can I ask for volunteers to help me hand out the syllabus?" the teacher asks.

"Fef, I need to talk." Forget past grudges, what you need right now is a good talk on the phone with your closest friend and confidant.  
"Shore Eridan, what's swimming?"  
You tell her everything. You tell her about how you met Sollux when you'd needed math tutoring, and it took only three lessons with him to get your math skills set on track... and your heart set on him. You tell her about how you'd kept bumping into each other, on accident at first, but then you deliberately sought him out. He mostly just seemed to find you annoying though. You tell her how, discouraged, you'd left him alone for a while. You tell her how today, you'd hoped to turn over a new leaf, but instead fallen back into the same rut as before.  
"Hmmm... wow, that sounds like a tough one. Whale I know that when I look at you, it's hard for me not to see you as the same boy I went swimming naked with when I was three. First impressions are the strongest, and they're hard to sea past. What you need is somefin that will make him sea the new you. It doesn't have to be much, just somefin that'll make him look at you twice."  
"Like wwhat, my cape?"  
"No, not quite. Oh, I have an idea! Listen, I'll see you tomminnow, o-kay?"  
"Yeah, o-kay," you say, repeating he nautical pun to make her smile. A kay, the way she meant it, was like a smallish bay, right? "And Fef? Thanks."  
"Bye Eridan."

"Hi Eridan!" It's one of the girls who raised their hand when Sollux asked to move. She's one of the Feferi wannabes in the second circle of popularity, not at the top, but one tier down. "So I heard you were MVP on the SWIMMING team? That is so INTERESTING! I've never been much good at swimming. Maybe you could help me some time!"  
She's so falsely saccharine it makes you nauseous, but you smile and say "Yeah, that sounds like fun. Here's my number. Call me if you ever need help wwith your back stroke or somethin." You write down the number of a cell phone you lost a while ago, and hand it to her with a wink.  
"What was that about?" Sollux asks you.  
"It wwas about a fine young lady wwantin a piece of action wwith the neww prince of the school."  
Sollux snorts. "Sure, whatever you say ED."  
Minutes later, the other girl who raised her hand comes over. Is this Fef's plan? Does she really think that a couple of girls drooling over you is going to magically make Sollux see the new you? This girl's bustier than the last, but definitely not a Follower of the Fishy Princess. Her hair is dark and wild, and she wears quite a lot of red and black.  
"Hey, you're Eridan Ampora right?"  
"Yep, that's me." You can't resist a cocky smile.  
"I'm Aradia. I really liked that poem, the one in the magazine? Death is just a transition, and it isn't always a bad thing. Not many people get that. There's this poetry group, if you want to join. We meet on Wednesdays after school in the library."  
"Sounds good, I'll be there," you tell her. Who knows, maybe you'll actually go.  
She's barely walked away when Sollux turns to you. "Okay, seriously, what the fuck is going on here?"  
"Ain't it obvvious Sol? I'm fuckin irresistible now."  
"Really? You look like the same shit-eating cock sucker I knew last year to me."  
"That's interestin. Maybe you'd better look into some better glasses." The pun is unintentional, but he glares at you all the same.  
"What, just because you suddenly got abs over the summer you think everyone's going to swoon over you? Get a fucking grip Ampora."  
"Look around you, evveryone IS swwoonin ovver me, Captor. You're just jealous because I'm popular noww, and you're still a pathetic little nerd." You lean in, because that's what jocks do when they're being intimidating, right? Still, you're surprised when he actually backs away. Captor, of all people, you expected to stand his ground to the last.  
"Boys, do I need to move one of you?" The teacher's voice breaks the tension with an almost audible shatter.  
You step off, scooting your chair away from his. "No Mr. Clove, wwe're good."  
"Yeah, it's fine." Sollux agrees. You glance at him. Well at least he isn't at the "I don't care if he sexually harasses his new hot-girl lab partner, just get him the fuck away from me" stage yet. It could be worse.

Physics quickly becomes your favorite class. Aside from the obvious reasons (your lab partner, plus two girls fawning over you), your teacher is also just really cool. Ten push ups for every minute that you're late and he doesn't mark you tardy, though he never makes the girls do any push-ups. He may be a little bit sexist, but towards guys, and somehow you didn't really mind. Maybe it's because on Fridays you watch Bill Nye movies. Shut up, they are NOT just for grade-schoolers, Bill Nye is the shit.  
Having a crabby lab partner who you have a big crush on is a huge bonus though. Now if only he would stop acting like an abrasive fuckass long enough to see that maybe you're not such the bad guy as he seems to think you are.  
"Have you conchsidered maybe just asking him out?" Feferi asks. For a girl you used to think you had a crush on, she's taken the news that you're gay surprisingly in stride. The fact that she never reciprocated probably helps.  
"Are you kiddin me Fef? The guy clearly hates my guts. Every time wwe talk he gets all prickly, it's like the fuckin Spanish Inquisition." As a history enthusiast, you rarely take the Inquisition's name in vain, but she needs to understand the gravity of your situation.  
"Erifish, come on, you never know unless you try. The worst that can harpoonen is that he says "never in a million yearth," you get your heart broken, and then you move on. If he's never going to like you back, don't you want to be able to move on schooner rather than later?"  
You bite your lip so you don't say something prickly about the way she's mocking his lisp (god you have it bad) and focus on what she's saying instead. You nod. "You knoww wwhat, you're right Fef. Howw do you alwways knoww just wwhat to say? Thanks." You hug her tightly, and she hugs you back. You feel so lucky to count her as a friend again.  
The next day, you pick out some of your nicest clothes. You know now that those things won't really make a difference, but you want everything to be perfect. You probably check and re-comb your hair at least ten times before you finally leave the house.  
Too nervous to eat much, you make it through to physics with just some cantaloupe for breakfast and peanut-butter toast, an apple, and at least five breath mints for lunch.  
You take your seat next to Sollux. Right, you have to be smooth about this. "You knoww, being prince of the school is harder than I first thought."  
"Yes, I'm sure the title of Biggest Fucking Douche-Bag is quite the cross to bear."  
"No, I'm serious! I'm expected to participate in all these Activvities noww." You put emphasis on the word activities, making it an entity with weight and importance, as though you'd capitalized the first letter of it.  
"Oh yeah, like what, the douche bag water balloon toss?" He is not happy today! You wonder what bee he's got in his bonnet.  
"No, stupid, like the fuckin Homecomin dance."  
"Are you serious? The dances here are so lame!"  
"Heavvy is the crowwn, Sol, heavvy is the crowwn."  
"Quiet!" You are interrupted by the teacher, who wants to talk about inertia, but fortunately have time enough to finish the conversation once class is over.  
"So anywways, about the dance, I figured, since it's so fucking lame, if a lame nerd like you wwere there, maybe the lameness would like... cancel itself out or somethin." Smooth like good coffee Eridan, real smooth.  
"Are you asking me to attend a school function? Me? Have you met me?"  
"Come on, you'd be doin me a favvor. I bet you could hack into the DJ box and make it a little less lame, right?"  
"I could. The real question is, why the hell would I want to do you a favor?"  
Shit. He just cut straight through that bullshit screen, didn't he? Why does the guy you're crushing on have to be so smart?  
"Because uh... oh fuck it, I just wwanted you to go to the dance wwith me, okay?" Your cheeks are burning, and you hate it. You suddenly feel twelve years old again, like you're still the pathetic kid you used to be, vulnerable as hell. You look down at the floor, sure that any moment now Sollux will laugh in your face.  
"What, seriously? You wanted _me_ to go with _you?"_ You hear the incredulity in his tone. You don't know why you expected anything else.  
"Stupid, I knoww. You'vve done nothing but yell at me, so clearly you're not interested. I guess I just can't take a fuckin hint."  
He's laughing. You knew it. He's laughing at you. You wish the floor would just open up and swallow you whole. "ED, the first thing you gotta know if you're gonna date me: just because I act like a fucking asshole, that doesn't mean I'm not interested."  
Wait, what? Did he say... date? You look up, and he's smiling. He's actually smiling at you!  
"Last year, I was sure my abrasiveness chased you away. If you're really still interested, then yeah, I'd love to go to the lame as fuck dance with you."  
You smile too, and then, that not being nearly enough to express your joy, you wrap your arms around him in a hug. Then you lock your hands together and pick him up off the ground.  
"Ah! Fuck! ED, put me down this instant! I can't breathe!"  
You let him down. "Sorry."  
He shakes his head. "I have to go to Web Com 3. See you at the dance sucker." Then, on his way out the door, he calls back "And don't think this means I'm going to let you get away with your crap! You ain't prince of shit!"  
You smile to yourself as you gather your things. You're going to be late to history class, and you couldn't care less. You have a date to Homecoming, and it's with the guy that you apparently spent WAY too long thinking you had an unrequited crush on. You are officially (offishelly) on cloud nine.

**Author's Note:**

> The title's a play on those kid's books, you know "If You Give a Mouse a Cookie," "If You Give a Moose a Muffin," etc. Because as much fun as I had writing this, I had to poke fun at our dear fishy prince. Only Eridan could get practically everything he always wanted and still find a way to make himself miserable.


End file.
